SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet
FAULT: Improper bladder control
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training

SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless
FAULT: Glass empty
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights
FAULT: You have fallen over backward
ACTION: Have yourself leashed to the bar

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts
FAULT: You have fallen forward
ACTION: See above

SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer

SYMPTOM: Floor moving
FAULT: You are being carried out
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar

SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark
FAULT: Bar has closed
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender

SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations
ACTION: Cover mouth

SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles
FAULT: You are dancing on the table
ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking

SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear
FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
ACTION: Punch him

SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear
FAULT: You have been in a fight
ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them

SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in
FAULT: You've wandered into the wrong party
ACTION: See if they have free beer

SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted
FAULT: The beer is too weak
ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves

SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song
FAULT: Beer is just right
ACTION: Play air guitar

JOKES TO OFFEND EVERYONE

What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
The position of the dirt bag

Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts

Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
10 years and 45 lbs

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you

Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
'Are you sure it's mine?'

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.

Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia?
Everyone has the same DNA.

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.

Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.

Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a blonde baby?
They named him 'Sum Ting Wong'

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment

What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage... along with a recipe.

How do you get a sweet 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins 'Once upon a time...' A southern fairytale begins 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this s**t....

Why is there no Disneyland in Japan?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides

I'll be gone part of the day to visit one of my mom's friends with my family not that anybody really cares.

A few days ago it flooded really bad but nothing was drowned except for my uncle's dog.

On my computer I had a game installed called black & White. For some reason that I can't remember I uninstalled it. When I got a new computer I went to install the game on it but I had lost the code needed to install it. I looked for months trying to find that god damn code but to no sucess. today I noticed that the case I keep my computer games that don't have a real case that one side was kinda thicker than the other I found a cd so I decided to check to see if anything was in the other pocket on the side of the cd holder and found the paper with the code on it. So now I can finally kill the innocent villagers again.

Will update once a week.
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I get this idea from Aldlv

My page there lilhunter03

Today we had a substitute for math. She was kind of a bitch. She went to the board to show us how to do a paper and while up there some students were goofing off. Since the students wouldn't be quite she yells and sits down. Now I have no fucking clue on what to do so I just sit there. While other students are talking she yells at one kid to go to the office and then she comes up to me and tells me to go to the office to for doing nothing. So I go to leave and in the hallway talking to the other kid when another student who had know idea on what to do gets sent to the office as well. While were walking the other student notices that the teacher is following us all the way to the office. Then when we get there we sit down for the remainder of the period. Then we go back to our lockers and head for our study period.

Update
Nearly a week later I finally got called to the office and got in no trouble.